Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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