its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
