Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
