im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize