He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
