obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
