Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
