Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
