Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I DEMAND FORESKIN
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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