I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
