you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
