I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I want a musical about memes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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