I accidentally had phone sex last night
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
