Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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