this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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