apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
