I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Barsexuality is the new black.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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