so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
