I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
