I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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