She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
