I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
