I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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