i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
