Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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