I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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