you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
