Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
