my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
