How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
