Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
