literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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