I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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