I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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