she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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