i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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