Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
