I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
