Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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