Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
