I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
