Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
