Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
