you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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