i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
