I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
