I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
