we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
