Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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