HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You had me at "let me see your balls"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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