She announced her abortion via fbk
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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