Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
