Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
