Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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