If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize