he was CRYING into my vagina
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
