who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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