Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
