I'm lost and stupid without you.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
