Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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